*W0RD V0MiT/}

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forever yours

why won't you be my blue skies,

so i can be your sunshine.

you'll be my horizon,

i'll come to you every night.

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navigations are the fours lines of lyrics. they are profile, entries, tagboard and links.	Sunday, November 15, 2009, 1:56 AM The other day, we were talking about John Proctor from The Crucible. He sacrificed himself for the greater good, but he was selfish for leaving his family. It's so controversial. I remember thinking to myself: "Do well on the test! Study! Call your best friend who needs you! Concentrate on PSATs! Don't get distracted! SATs are coming up! Be prepared!" I was so concentrated on me, the things I needed to do. I feel like I've lost balance with the rest of the world. I haven't been to home group since summer or something. I don't see the people I care about as much I want to. I feel so focused on ME. I know I have good reasons but I just can't help but feel so selfish. I miss being able to stay up til 5 AM talking to someone I care about. I miss going to church all the time and just talking about God, singing for him. I miss not always being focused on me- my life- my problems- my education, etc. Today I talked to someone. Someone that means a lot to me. But for some reason I feel so selfish. I remember half a year back, I looked at him as a stranger. Three months later he became my dear friend. Now, I don't know how to look at him. It's not that I don't answer his calls or I took him for granted, it's just that I feel so selfish. Yeah, I'm selfish for thinking 'me, me, me' about my life and school and blah. But I feel that in this situation, I'm 100% selfish. If I give up on him- he loses someone he cares about. I'm selfish, thinking about me not getting hurt. If I continue- I hurt him. I'm still selfish. This is a lose-lose situation, hah. Lately I've felt as if my words have been in a tangle. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I think I'm out of tune with the world. I don't want to get sucked back into typical human being world. I feel like I'm losing myself. But at the same time, I'm not. See? Here I go about me again. UGH. I just miss the good old days (okay it really hasn't been that long, I'm just stressed). I miss back in the summer when I knew EXACTLY what I wanted and where to get it. Stress is taking over my brain. At the same time it's all just a test because I know I'm gonna get through this. I don't really have a choice. In the end, I'm going to walk out okay. I'm going to walk out with my head held high and my friends at my side. I'm going to say to myself, "I did it." I'll be the one smiling and knowing that everything is fine. &I'll know that I never gave up. If I don't believe in myself- who will? Life is beautiful and there are no second chances. Yeah, I'm selfish, but I can never be 100% selfless without hurting anyone. This is MY life. I can't think about everyone else. I can take the heat. But sometimes- I just have to do things my way. Take some time and look around. Breathe in the moment. Stop listening to everyone else. Stop listening to their advice. Start listening to your own voice. Find yourself. Heck yes, I am telling you- be selfish. It's the first step to being a person who truly cares. In order to care- you have to know who you are and what you care about first. So yes, I am selfish. I do focus on me, myself, and I sometimes. But at the same time, I am selfless. I think of you. And I think of me. Because at the end of the day. I don't just see me on this planet. I see you, me, and the big picture. Life is not just looking at the pieces of the brick wall. It's about looking at the wall as a whole- the big picture. Friday, November 13, 2009, 11:36 PM *I ramble a lot in this post. Lately there has just been so much drama. I've stayed out of it for a good few months. Now it's just consuming me and swallowing me into its deep abyss. I wonder why. Life has its ups and downs. I've realized ADULTS, yes 'grown' people, can give me headaches and drama. It's weird because today, I looked at my AP World teacher as a friend. I've always gotten along with my teachers. They've always been nice to talk to, but today- I found a friend in one of them. It's amazing. I've also realized that another teacher is just simply put- a child. He takes things no better than a child or teenager would. So yeah, I get drama from TEACHERS and adults too. Silly, right? I wanted to say something to someone. I can't forgive you right now. I don't I will be for a while. But soon I will. It's just hard because it turned out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. But that's not true. I won't hold grudges. Grudges are pointless. Have you ever looked back a year from now and laughed at how ridiculous you sounded? I've done that. This isn't the end of the world :) So many people are going through rough times, and it just shows how much we all need one another. We really do. And I think sometimes, we take the people that are there for us most- for granted. I know I do quite frequently. I know that I don't call people back because I figure I can do it later or it's not a big deal. I should work on that. Take a look at your best friend, your siblings, even your boyfriend/girlfriend. Don't take them for granted. Thanksgiving is coming to me quickly. I am so thankful for everything I have. And I know that this one of those times of need. Everyone should really just stick together and help one another out. Personally, I'm experiencing some rough moments- but for the sake of myself and the ones I care about- I know I can persevere through it. Through the bad, there is some good. And I have good things going on for me right now. Of course my condition isn't nearly as bad as others. I'm doing a 30 hour famine, and I feel that's tough. Just think about how bad 70% of the world have it EVERY DAY. I just want people to know something: Whoever is reading this. Friend, family, stranger. You will have a friend in me. I may not know you. But I know you can persevere. God put us on the Earth to learn. Learn from our mistakes, to learn from others. There is no 'fate,' no 'destiny.' If you believe in yourself- in your goals- I know you can do it. You just have to try, or else you'll never know.		thedeceptionist Vanity isn't a sin, a little narcissm wouldn't hurt. Don't worry about my name. Don't worry about what I look like. Don't worry about how old I am. Just worry about who I am.		partnersincrime postsecret yaymonday magazinejunkie boingboing wheni'mgone + May 2009 + July 2009 + August 2009 + September 2009 + October 2009 + November 2009 + December 2009 takeabow Edited and re-coded by Jenny (me). An accidentality production Inspiration from DancingSheep & BONBON:D		theventingmachine